remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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