I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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