Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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