so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
