dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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