So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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