Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
