if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
