yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
