Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I did not marry a roomba.
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