Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
