Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
