so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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