i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Floor bacon is actually really good
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
