If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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