Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
