They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
