Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
