At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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