i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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