I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
