evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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