You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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