Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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