those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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