Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
