Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
