i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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