The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
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