wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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