Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
