I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
