i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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