Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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