he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
