When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
