One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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