Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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