dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
