Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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