so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
