FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
