i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
