on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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