I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
