Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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