is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
