took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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