Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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