Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
