Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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