Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize