No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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