At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
