He uses pillows to masturbate.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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