Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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