he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
if only i could text you this smell
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
