Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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