Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Green mimosas i think yes
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize