I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
