I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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