Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
